Truth and Lies
by Shawn Jones
Summary: Sonic has to rescue the Freedom Fighters and stop Robotnik. Written a long time ago, re-released with new material.


SONIC THE HEDGEHOG: TRUTH AND LIES  
By Shawn Jones  
  
Before we begin, let's get the legal stuff over with, shall we?  
  
Sonic the Hedgehog and all related characters are copyrighted to Service and Games (Sega of America/Japan), DIC entertainment and Archie Comics. These characters are not to be copied or reproduced in any way. Doing so will put you in violation of Title 17 of the US Code regarding Copyright restrictions.  
  
PART I

PROLOGUE

The sun was setting in Robotropolis, and Knothole Village was preparing to rest for the night. Outside in the Great Forest, Robotnik was trying to figure out how to draw the Freedom Fighters out of their hiding place. Since he didn't know the exact location of the village, he figured if he made a loud noise they would come outside and he would capture them. Robotnik jumped into his hover craft and floated above the forest, he then shot a missile into the ground, a huge explosion followed.

"What ze fook was zat?" a surprised Antoine asked.

"I don't know, but we should go check it out," said Sally. All of the Freedom Fighters got up and went outside to find the source of the disturbance. As soon as the Freedom Fighters were in rang, Robotnik cast a net out and caught them all.

"Damn I'm good," grinned Robotnik.

THE BEGINNING

Sometime after midnight Sonic went speeding into Knothole Village, and it was very deserted.

"Well what the hell?" Sonic questioned. "They're always listening to their old Village People records or something. I bet that dirty ole bastard Robotnik took them again." Sonic sighed and started running toward Robotnik's fortress.

Inside Robotik's fortress, Tails was getting interrogated by Robotnik. This meant that Robotnik was beating the shit out of Tails with a lead-filled snowshoe to get answers. Tails was first in the line of upcoming Freedom Fighters, Robotnik was going to make sure that everyone got their fair share of beatings.

"What does Knothole Village look like?" Robotnik asked of Tails.

"What?" Tails asked back.

"What country you from?"

"What?

"What ain't no country I've ever heard of. They speak English in what?" Robotnik retorted.

"What?"

"English motherfucker do you speak it?"

"Yes," Tails answered scared.

"Then you know what I'm saying?"

"Yes."

"What does Knothole Village look like?" Robotnik asked again.

"What?"

"Say what again. I dare you, I double-dare you motherfucker. Say what one more goddamn time. Alright you punk ass brat, you will talk, or you will regret it," Robotnik said. Tails only sat there getting beaten like a rag doll in a hurricane. A few minutes later Robotnik grew tired of the games that Tails was playing, so he got out a noose and threatened to hang him.

"Now you will speak or die. Now tell me where Knothole Village is," Robotnik demanded.

Tails spoke immediately , "It lies west of the Great Forest, in a tree stump."

Antoine looked at Tails disgustedly, "You are ze dumb ass, you traitor, I fart in your general direction. I wave my private parts at your auntie, you cheesy secondhand electric-donkey bottom biter! You tiny-brained wiper of other peoples bottoms." Tails started to cry at these remarks.

"Come on Antoine," Rotor said, "He did all he could, there was nothing else he could do."

"Shut up you filthy douche bags, we are going to Knothole to lure Sonic into a trap and kill him. HA HA HA HA HA!"

Sonic rushed into the fortress just as Robotnik left. He began a thorough search of the entire fortress. After the first search was unfruitful he decided to search one last time. Sonic found nothing, so he sat down for a second. _If they're not here not here_, Sonic thought, _they must be in Knothole planning a trap._ Sonic stood up instantly and took off knowing the sooner he got there the better.

AN INGENIOUS TRAP

"Now you assholes have to act like nothing happened," Robotnik said. "And if you don't help me you as well as he will get an early grave." The Freedom Fighters did what they were told and if everything went as planned Robotnik would have that rodent once and for all. "By the way Sally," Robotnik was saying, "I killed your father and as soon as I find his crown I will rule all. HA HA HA!" Sally sat emotionless for a few minutes then the words began to sink in and Sally burst into tears. This made Robotnik laugh that much harder.

Sonic arrived at Knothole and could hear voices echoing, he also heard crying, which he assumed was normal given the circumstances. Sonic was going to have to think of a way to lure Robotnik out. He just then remembered that Robotnik's mother was admitted into an insane asylum.

"Hey Robotnik, I used to con your mother into getting naked by telling her that she had ghosts in her clothes. Oh no, I've got Casper in my clothes. Ha ha ha." With this remark the Freedom Fighters busted up laughing. Robotnik tied all of them up and threw them into his hover craft and went outside to deal with Sonic. The hover craft exited the tree stump and caught Sonic off guard. Robotnik hit the throttle and drove straight into Sonic's head.

"That will teach you to talk like that fucker. You will never catch me now, I will be in the Hidden Palace directly," Robotnik said as he drove away. Sonic was drifting into unconsciousness, and only heard parts of it until he passed out. When Sonic regained consciousness he jumped down into Knothole and searched for the Freedom Fighters. After a search of the village he figured Robotnik took them. Sonic then remembered Robotnik said something about the Hidden Palace, so he decided to go there.

THE FINAL CUT

Robotnik was traveling to the Hidden Palace and was half way there when Sonic began his journey. The only problem Robotnik was having was Tails. He wouldn't stop asking the same two questions.

"Are we there yet?" he would ask.

"If you don't shut up I'm going to kick your ass," Robotnik said, then five minutes later.

"Is there anything to drink? I'm thirsty," Tails whined.

"You dirty motherfucker!" Robotnik screamed as he kicked Tails in the head. A half hour later Robotnik reached his destination, but to his surprise his enemy was already there waiting for them.  
  
Right then the battle began, Robotnik with the first hit -- it was a hard blow. Sonic fell, trying to get up, then Robotnik gave him a hard kick to the face. Sonic fell again. Then Sonic gave a kick back to the evil doctor. Robotnik winced with pain. Robotnik and Sonic continued battling, just about to hit a ledge that led to nowhere but down.  
  
Robotnik punched Sonic over the ledge. Sonic managed to catch hold of the rim just in time.  
  
Sonic's last hope was to somehow get Robotnik into the crack. Sonic reached up and pulled Robotnik's leg. Robotnik fell toward Sonic and right through the crack with him.  
  
When Sonic woke up he was on the floor with Robotnik next to him. Sonic jumped up and started looking for a way out.  
  
Robotnik awoke, and since Sonic hadn't seen him, he was able to get off a surprise attack on Sonic. Robotnik jumped for Sonic and knocked him on the ground. Sonic was just about to punch Robotnik when Robotnik pulled out a transmitter.  
  
"What's that?" Sonic asked wearily.  
  
" Go to hell, you bastard. Fine, it is a remote control to blow up your friends," Robotnik answered. "Don't move or I'll push the button."  
  
" Okay," Sonic said," You win."  
  
" Good. Now I'll put it down," Robotnik replied.  
  
Just then, Sonic made a jump for it an picked it up.  
  
Robotnik called for the hover craft. When he got in he threw the Freedom Fighters out and drove away. When Robotnik was about 5 miles away, Sonic pushed the button, he heard the ship explode. "Good," he thought, "now he's gone."  
  
ABOUT THAT TIME AGAIN  
  
Sonic climbed up to the top of the cliff and found the Freedom Fighters tied up. He untied them and they were all grateful.

"Zis fooking rope was rubbing my testicles," Antoine said aggravated.

"Well, we are all very happy and proud that you saved us Sonic," Sally said smiling. Sonic and the Freedom Fighters started toward Knothole, they had a long journey back home.  
  
After the Freedom Fighters left Robotnik got out of the rubble and called for another hover craft.  
  
"That filthy little hedgehog will pay for this. Little does he know that the king is dead and I will rule if I can get to King Acorn's Castle first. At last I have beaten that insufferable hedgehog. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!"   
  
PART II  
  
THE ROUTE TO POWER  
  
Sonic woke up the next morning. He had slept in because of his very exasperating fight. He got out of bed and Sally came to talk to him.  
  
"Dr. Robotnik said he had killed my father and he would now rule Mobius," she said.  
  
"Well now you don't have to worry about him anymore."  
  
"I have a funny feeling that Robotnik is still alive," Sally said. "I heard him mumble to himself about getting to the king's castle first."  
  
"Alright," Sonic said, "I'll go check it out."  
  
Back at Dr. Robotnik's fortress, Robotnik was making his vehicle fast enough to get to the king's castle. "Ah, but I don't have to worry... Sonic does not know of that yet, surely he doesn't know," Robotnik thought to himself. "Even if he does, I know a shortcut to the castle, as well as inside the castle."  
  
He would be done in a couple of minutes. Then he would rule Mobius. Sonic would have to listen to his orders, and so would the Freedom Fighters. Just the thought made him smile. Even if Sonic and his team rebelled, he would still rule no matter what.  
  
At last the hover craft was ready, and Robotnik started on his way. "Full throttle," the evil doctor said. He grinned; he knew he would win this time.  
  
Robotnik's short-cut took off about 1 hour and 30 minutes. He would be there in about a half an hour. Robotnik took out a map of the castle to pinpoint were he had to go from the front entrance to get to the crown. There was a secret passageway to get there; it cut off some time, so Robotnik decided to take it. Then he wouldn't have to stay long. Again, the thought passed his mind about ruling Mobius; it just made him so happy.  
  
When he reached the castle he searched around to get a good look on how and where to go from the front entrance. Robotnik let the drawbridge down and finally stepped inside.  
  
INSIDE THE CASTLE  
  
Robotnik found himself in a maze of corridors, so he pulled out his trusty map and finally found the secret passageway. It was dark, and the air was musty -- it was rotten in there. Now he REALLY wanted to get out fast. When Robotnik stepped out of the passage there was a drop (he didn't know that), and he fell flat on his face. But as soon as he got up, Robotnik saw the crown lying on the throne just waiting for him. He picked it up and casually walked out.  
  
Sonic got there just after Robotnik had left. He stepped inside. There was nothing to light his way, but Sonic had been there before so he knew his way around a little. After a little while he found the throne room. The crown was gone and there was nothing left but an old throne. Sonic was very upset for not coming sooner; Robotnik HAD been alive, and he should have known that.  
  
Sonic walked out, disappointed in himself... what would the Freedom Fighters think? What would he do? They would all be angry at him or disappointed. Sonic would just have to face whatever they were going to think or do. How Sonic wished he had gotten there sooner. Sonic continued to think about what would happen to him on the way back to Knothole.   
  
When he reached Knothole, the Freedom Fighters asked him what happened and why he didn't have the crown. Sonic told them his story about getting there late and why he didn't have the crown. The Freedom Fighters stared in disbelief.  
  
Sally stared at Sonic and said, "Sonic, I hereby banish you from Knothole."  
  
Sonic couldn't believe it. "But, what the fuck..." he said.  
  
"No buts. Leave now."  
  
Sonic packed his things and left. He was determined to stop Robotnik and retrieve the crown and be able to return to Knothole. Sonic wondered where he was going to stay. Maybe under a tree... or up in a tree; he didn't care. He wanted to get to Robotnik's fortress before midnight, so he decided to just move on and not stop anywhere until he got the crown.   
  
Inside the fortress, Robotnik was planning how to rule Mobius.  
  
"How should I take care of the freedom fighters? Kill them? Yes, what a perfect idea. I know where they live so I'll plant a bomb. I have such devilishly good ideas," he thought.  
  
THE BOMB  
  
After midnight, Robotnik went over to drop a bomb in Knothole Village.  
He set the timer for 30 seconds. "That's enough time to run," Robotnik thought. Robotnik started running as fast as he could; the bomb detonated, and Robotnik was blown by the pressure of the flames. He landed hard on the ground. "It was worth it," he thought, although his bones ached.  
  
"Well that does it for them, now I can rule Mobius and no one will stop me!" the evil doctor said and grinned. "I think I will check to see if they died. (I've seen too many of those evil movies)." Robotnik went down to check and sure enough they were burnt to ashes. "AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"  
  
Robotnik started back to the fortress.  
  
Sonic was about 30 miles from the fortress and decided to rest a little while, so he sat down on a field of grass. He thought about the Freedom Fighters and wondered if they were okay or if they were in trouble. Sonic opened his pack, pulled out a Pepsi and started drinking it. After he finished it he started on his way.  
  
He reached the fortress about 1:00 A.M. Sonic looked around for a different route to get in the fortress other than the one he used the last time he entered. He found a side door on the other side of the building. He hesitated on stepping in, but finally got the strength to do it. Once inside, Sonic looked around. There was no one there, or so he thought. Robotnik saw Sonic in the hall walking around.  
  
"What is this? I thought he was dead."  
  
Robotnik picked up a table and ran after Sonic. When Robotnik reached him, he smacked the table over his head. Sonic was knocked to the ground; he got up, but Robotnik hit him again. Sonic rolled away and picked up a chair, then smacked Robotnik with it. The chair snapped in half. Robotnik picked up his table and started slapping Sonic with it from every direction. Sonic grabbed a leg of the chair, and hit Robotnik in the gut.  
  
"You will die from that mistake!" Robotnik screamed.  
  
Robotnik kicked Sonic right in the head. Sonic got up dazed and swung a fist. It hit Robotnik right in the eyes. Robotnik punched Sonic in the gut and then decked him. Sonic grabbed the table and hit Robotnik upside the head. The battle raged on and Sonic still had no idea that Knothole Village had been burnt to the ground.  
  
After awhile, the battle ceased. Robotnik spoke. "Sonic, you may have escaped my bomb but you will not live to tell." Just as he said that, Sonic decked Robotnik. When Robotnik fell to the ground, Sonic was kicking at him. Then he body-slammed Robotnik.  
  
Robotnik threw Sonic across the room, then called for a hover craft and escaped. But this time Robotnik wouldn't tell Sonic where he was going: Sonic would have to figure it out all on his own.  
  
KNOTHOLE VILLAGE  
  
Sonic left Robotnik's fortress and rushed to Knothole Village. When he got there, it had been demolished. Sonic looked around in the rubble but found nothing. When Sonic turned around, he saw the Freedom Fighters coming toward him.  
  
"Oh, good," Sonic said, "I thought you had been burnt with the rest of the place."  
  
"Sonic," Sally said, "you tried to burn us out of Knothole so you could stay here. I never want to see you ever again."  
  
"But, this is motherfucking bullshit......" Sonic said.  
  
"Sonic, leave and never come back."

"Yes, you are zis dirty bastard. Go and boil your bottom, you son of a silly person," Antoine said.

"Tell me you didn't do it Sonic," Rotor said.

"I didn't fucking do anything, assholes," Sonic retorted angrily.

"Yes you did zis, you animal molesting ass clown," Antoine taunted.

"You can all go fuck yourselves," Sonic said as he walked away.  
  
"Sonic, I hate you," Tails said.  
  
"Fuck you Tails," Sonic called back," and go to hell." Sonic walked away with a smile on his face. He always wanted to say that to Tails. Behind Sonic, Tails gave him The Finger.  
  
Sonic kept walking, not looking back; he was going to track down Robotnik, keep the crown and be king himself. This whole thing is stupid, he thought.  
  
Sonic went back to Robotnik's fortress and looked for a clue. After awhile he found a map. Marked on the map was the first stop -- the Floating Islands. Robotnik would probably be past there, so he looked for the next stop. It was Sandopolis, which was a city and a desert. That's where Robotnik was. Sonic was still mad about the Freedom Fighters. He was going to get back at them.  
  
Robotnik was gambling at the Floating Islands. After he played some craps, poker, slots, and blackjack, he sat down to rest a while.  
  
"That damn hedgehog, always meddles with my plans, sum bitch." Robotnik started on his way again. "I will be there pretty soon. Very good, at least I don't have to worry about the Freedom Fighters any more. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA." Robotnik made his way to Sandopolis. When he arrived he gambled a little, then left.   
  
Meanwhile, Sonic started on his journey. After a little while he reached the Floating Islands. "I'll stay here for the night," he said to himself.  
  
In the morning, Sonic reached Sandopolis and Robotnik wasn't there. Sonic searched all over Sandopolis, but still couldn't find him. Sonic finally found a piece of paper in one of the hotel rooms. It said "The Death Egg is my home." Sonic knew where Robotnik was now. He wouldn't let him get away with that.  
  
DEATH EGG  
  
Inside the Death Egg, Robotnik was resting up -- just in case Sonic came.  
  
This new Death Egg was nearly complete, all it needed was a little test  
drive; that's why Robotnik was there. It would be ready for the test drive in about 1 hour, so that's how long Robotnik could rest. Just then, Sonic burst through the doors.  
  
"Damn it," Robotnik said, "I can never get any rest around here." Robotnik knocked Sonic out cold.  
  
When Sonic woke up, Robotnik was test driving the Death Egg in outer space; he was coming back to Mobius.  
  
Sonic karate-kicked Robotnik in the mouth.  
  
The ship steered the wrong way.  
  
Robotnik quickly turned it back; they were now within Mobius' atmosphere. Robotnik put on the brakes.  
  
He turned around to Sonic and punched him hard in the face. Sonic flew head over heals to the back of the ship. Robotnik followed to get a few more good punches in on Sonic. Sonic jumped up and kicked the evil doctor in the knee. Robotnik collapsed. He got up and head butted Sonic into a cabinet; the cabinet fell off the wall and broke on Sonic's head, knocking him down. Sonic gave his hardest punch into Robotnik's stomach. Robotnik doubled over in pain.  
  
"That is a mistake you will never again make."  
  
"Oh yeah?" Sonic said as he punched Robotnik in the stomach again.  
  
"Now I will be forced to kick your ass," Robotnik said as he decked   
Sonic. Sonic got up and raced up to the front. There was a button on the dashboard that said "self-destruct."  
  
"Don't push that button," Robotnik said, "it will blow us all up!" Just as Robotnik said that, Sonic grabbed the crown and pushed the button. Sonic jumped out the side door.  
  
"Oh, crap!!" Robotnik said as he jumped out the side door. Sonic was falling from 1,000 miles above the ground. He braced himself for the impact. Sonic was kind of sky-diving; he had never done that before, and decided he probably wouldn't do it again. Sonic hit, surprisingly, in a tree... but it still hurt. Then the branch broke and he hit the ground.  
  
He still had the crown.  
  
"Now the Freedom Fighters will wish they hadn't kicked me out for such a petty thing, and things I didn't do."  
  
THE SURPRISE  
  
Sonic was going back to Knothole Village. When he got there, they were furious.  
  
"Sonic, get the hell out of Knothole Village," Sally said.  
  
"Oh yeah? The king can go where ever he pleases."  
  
"You're not the king, dumb ass," she replied.

"Yes, you be zinking your dumb ass is king, I wipe my ass with your face," Antoine said. Right after he said that, Sonic put his crown on.  
  
"Guess what? I'm kicking YOU out of Knothole," he said.  
  
"Please, Sonic don't kick us out of Knothole," Tails pleaded.  
  
"Alright, but you got to do WORK, lots of it," he replied.  
  
"Please, no WORK," Tails whined.  
  
"We really didn't kick you out of Knothole... it was just a joke." Sally lied.  
  
"Stop lie'n," Sonic replied nastily.  
  
"Okay, but we were going to let you back in," Sally said.  
  
"Stop lie'n!" Sonic screamed.  
  
"Well... can I be the queen?" Sally asked.  
  
"Hell no, this ain't no freak show!" Sonic replied.  
  
After that, Sonic went to Robotnik's fortress to find an oven. When he found one, he melted the crown.  
  
"Ah, this will be worth money," he said.  
  
When he came back to Knothole, everyone wanted to know what he did with the crown. Sonic showed 1,000,000,000,000 bucks to them. They stared at him.  
  
Sally spoke: "Where did you get that money?"  
  
"I sold the crown in melted form, worth lots," he replied.  
  
"Oh well -- it was only causing problems, anyway."  
  
They all returned to Knothole Village and had a big party.  
  
THE POWER  
  
Dr. Ivo Robotnik was laying in a shallow swamp; most would have been dead from jumping out of a flying object 1,000 miles above the ground. Finally, after a long hour, Robotnik woke up and found himself in the swamp -- he was bloody. He slowly got up. Robotnik wondered why he was not dead. Then he realized that once a long time ago he tried an experiment...  
  
PART III  
  
THE RECOLLECTION  
  
Dr. Robotnik sat back in his chair with his feet on his desk, drinking a Dr. Pepper. He sat, wondering. "Why, why?" he thought. Robotnik wondered why the experiment had not worked sooner... or did he have the power all along and not know it? It all started five years ago in his lab when he was doing a test on a chaos emerald. It was the emerald of invincibility. Robotnik had crushed the emerald, eaten some of it, and sprinkled a little on his head. Then he was supposed to do a dance and chant magic words...  
  
"Snively, YOU say the damn words!!" he shouted to his accomplice, "and YOU dance around like a damn moron."  
  
"But then I would have the power and not you."  
  
"No, really Snively? You dumb ass, I was being sarcastic."  
  
"Oh," Snively said. Robotnik danced around and said the magic chant, but nothing happened.  
  
"Snively, you damn idiot, it didn't work, and it is all your fault."  
  
"Sorry Master, I will not fail you again," Snively said.  
  
"Damn right!" Robotnik shouted as he pulled a lever. The floor under Snively began to move. Snively tried to run but it was to late. He fell through the hole, landed in a pit full of spikes and died.  
  
"Good bye Snively, and good riddance to you. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!"  
  
Just the thought made him smile. "Snively was an idiot anyway, even though he was my nephew," thought Robotnik.  
  
"Well I guess it did work after all," thought Robotnik aloud. "Guess I killed him for no reason. Oh well, I would have killed him anyway. It may have been minutes, hours, days, or years. Anyway, he would be dead right now. He never did anything but stand around and say he was sorry; he was a sorry son of a bitch.  
  
"But right now I will have to fool Sonic into thinking that I'm dead... I will put my name in today's obituary. Then he will think I am dead. I will get the hedgehog; now that I know how to use the power, he will be helpless. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Good bye, rodent! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA."  
  
SONIC  
  
Sonic was now resting up in the "new and improved" Knothole Village. It was much better than the old one. It had improved a lot. The village used to be so outdated; it was very primitive. Now they caught up with the times.  
  
Sally came into his room. "Sonic we are all really sorry about kicking you out of Knothole, we really are," she said to him.  
  
"I accept your apology, I guess." Sonic said.  
  
"Well then, let's get breakfast on the table."  
  
"I'll be right out," Sonic said. Sonic was thinking about Robotnik. He had not seen his name in the obituary. I wonder if he is dead, he thought, remembering that he had not seen today's paper. Sure enough, his name was in there. Sonic felt a little sad. Now that Robotnik was dead, what would he do?   
  
"I'm gonna sure miss getting beat over the head with a table, or slamming Robotnik into a wall, or just the thrill of chasing Robotnik down. Oh well, I killed him," Sonic said his thoughts aloud.  
  
Sonic was eating his Sunday meal of eggs, bacon, toast, and other things... but when Sonic saw the eggs they reminded him of Robotnik. Sonic didn't know what to do after breakfast, would he just wait for lunch? Sonic was thinking when he suddenly got thirsty, so he went inside, snapped himself a Pepsi and started guzzling it down. Suddenly Rotor came up to Sonic with a few of his 'new' inventions in his arms. Antoine came following behind him.

"Hey Sonic, you're looking pretty dull today, so I brought you some things that might cheer you up," Rotor said with a smile.

"Uh, okay. What do you have?" Sonic asked

"Well, first off I want to show you the worlds first toaster, what you do is stick two pieces of bread in the slots, like so," Rotor demonstrated. "Then you pull down the lever and it's toasted..." Rotor was interrupted.

"You are ze biggest ass munching inventor to ever graze ze face of Mobius," Antoine said disgusted.

"Yeah Rotor you dumb ass, the toaster was invented a long time ago," Sonic said.

"Of course it was," Rotor said confused, "But take a look at this new invention of mine." Rotor held out a VCR and showed it to Sonic. "I call it the VCRotor, cool name huh?"

"You make me sick. You must have been born without ze brain, you toilet cleaning rump rooster," Antoine said.

"I hate to tell you this buddy, but the VCR was also invented long ago too," Sonic said irritated.

"Buddy? I am not gay," Rotor said.

"What the hell, I didn't call you gay," Sonic said.

"Ass clown. I'm not finished yet," Rotor said as he held out his last item. "I call them Snappy Toys, you see you can connect them. I gave some to Tails and he seems to like them. The only thing I need is a slogan to sell my toys. Do you think you could come up with one for me?"

"Yeah sure, as a matter of fact I have one right now. Snappy Toys, make you happy 'cause they ain't crappy."

"Hey, you know that was pretty good, I'll have to use that," Rotor said as he mumbled his way back to his room.

When Sonic was finished with Rotor, he went outside to take a walk. He went into the forest, and thought he saw Robotnik peeking around a tree.  
  
"Oh crap," Robotnik said. " I think he saw me."  
  
"What the hell was that?" Sonic asked aloud. "Must have been my imagination." Sonic ignored the noise and went on. When Sonic was out of reach, Dr. Robotnik followed Sonic's footprints back to Knothole Village.  
  
KNOTHOLE  
  
Tails was washing the dishes after the Sunday breakfast. When he was done, he looked around for Sonic, but couldn't find him.  
  
"Sally, where did Sonic go?" asked Tails.  
  
"He went to go take a walk," Sally replied.  
  
"Why didn't he ask me if I wanted to go?"  
  
"Because you were washing dishes."  
  
"Oh!!"  
  
"Tails go clean your room, now!! I almost killed myself tripping over one of your dumb ass toys," Sally yelled. Tails walked into his room and started cleaning it.  
  
Meanwhile, Robotnik was almost at Knothole. When he got there he jumped into the pond. The water retracted and there was a secret door. He opened it up and went inside. Robotnik had brought a couple of weapons just in case.  
  
When Robotnik got inside he went into Tails' room and knocked Tails out while he was cleaning it. Robotnik had bought a Tails costume for 50% off at an after-Halloween sale at K-Mart. "I have such devilishly smart ideas... and happen to be devilishly handsome, for that matter." Robotnik slipped into his new Tails costume, and went out of his room to go eat lunch.  
  
"Did you clean your room?" asked Sally.  
  
"Yes," replied Robotnik/Tails.  
  
"Tails, your voice is deeper, and you are a lot fatter. What did you do to yourself?"  
  
"I stole a big cake from the fridge when you went outside. When you came back in, I choked on it and now my voice is deeper."  
  
"Well, let's get lunch on the table, shall we?" When everyone was seated at the table, Robotnik pulled out one of his guns.  
  
"Don't move. If you move, Sally gets it. By the way, what are we having for lunch?"  
  
"Baby-back ribs."  
  
"Really? I want my baby-back, baby-back, baby-back, baby-back, baby-back ribs. I want my baby-back, baby-back, baby-back, baby-back, baby-back ribs. Chile's baby-back ribs," sang Robotnik as he ripped off his Tails costume. "And to drink?"  
  
"Dr. Pepper."  
  
"Oooooh! I want more, more, more -- the great taste of Dr. Pepper I've been lookin' for. Give me more, more, more Dr. Pepper. The great taste I've been lookin' for."   
  
Robotnik then told them that he would hold them hostage.   
  
THE RANSOM  
  
Sonic came back to Knothole after lunch. He was very hungry. When he came in, he spotted Robotnik with a gun pointing to Sally's head.  
  
"Well, well, well, look what we have here: we have a dirty, filthy, dumb-ass little rodent." Robotnik said turning around. "I've got a deal for you Sonic. You get Knothole, you keep your friends, and I get YOU. What I will do with you is YOUR question."  
  
"Hey, I can speak for myself. What are you going to do with me?"  
  
"Well, first I will torture you. Then I shall beat you. Then I will kill you. Pretty nice deal I would say, but what do YOU say Sonic?"  
  
"I say hell no. Those stupid, idiotic morons aren't worth my precious life."  
  
"Well then get out of here before I kill you with the rest of them."  
  
"Can I take some food and drink with me?"  
  
"Sure," replied Robotnik. Sonic grabbed a bag and stuffed it with food and drink, then turned to leave.  
  
"Sonic, you are an asshole," replied Tails, who was now wide awake (after Robotnik knocked him out cold).  
  
"Same to you, Crap Face," retorted Sonic as he marched out the door.  
  
"Great job Tails, now look what you did. Sonic might have come back and saved us. I think YOU are the asshole," said Sally. "Hey Robotnik, kill Tails before you kill the rest of us."  
  
"All right, but let me make my dinner first. I'm going to make you all hungry by eating my sandwich slow. Mmmmmmmmmm... tttttuuuuunnnnaaaaa. And Dr. Pepper. Might as well start eating. This is really tasty you know. You should try it, and this Dr. Pepper is fantastic. Aren't you getting hungry?"  
  
"NO!" they all replied.  
  
"Well, goddamn it, get hungry you stupid assholes!!" screamed Robotnik angrily. "Now are you hungry?"  
  
"YES!!!!!"  
  
"Good. Now that I am done, who will go first?"  
  
"TAILS!!" everyone shouted, except for Tails.  
  
"All right, I will tell you what I will do to you. I'm not going to kill you. I'm going to beat the hell out of you."  
  
THE BEATINGS  
  
Tails was the first to be beaten. He walked up to Robotnik. Robotnik smiled as Tails came up.  
  
"All right, you pipsqueak, I will beat you now." Tails gulped as he stepped up.

"What are you going to do?" asked Sally.

"I'm going to go to work on the Holmes here, with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. You hear me talkin' hillbilly boy?" Robotnik asked and looked at Tails. "I'm gonna get medieval on your ass."  
  
After about two good hours of beatings, Robotnik had to rest. He chained the others to the bed and put the key in his pocket.  
  
Sonic was at Dr. Ivo Robotnik's fortress, making a machine using one of Robotnik's hovercraft; he was giving it more weapons and speed. Sonic was snacking on some Doritos that he took with him, also drinking a Pepsi. He hated the Freedom Fighters -- they were a bunch of assholes. "Oh well, I guess I just expect too much from my friends."  
  
"Done!!" he said to himself.  
  
"Just what in the hell are you doing in my fortress?" asked Robotnik as he came inside.  
  
"Uh... just lookin' around."  
  
"Oh, 'just lookin' around.' DIE PUNK!" Just then Robotnik raised a sword. "Here's YOUR weapon Sonic." Robotnik tossed him a small knife. "Now let's fight."  
  
Sonic picked up his knife and started to fight. Robotnik swung his sword, and it hit Sonic right on the arm. Blood dripped from his arm; Sonic gasped in pain. They began to start fighting again, but Sonic couldn't because of the horrible pain in his arm. He dropped his knife to the ground. Sonic ran all around the fortress, then spotted a door and ran for it.  
  
"Come back here you rodent, I'm not finished with you yet!!" roared Robotnik. Robotnik went to the hovercraft Sonic was messing with. He hopped in and started it up. He sped back to Knothole; his ship was faster than Sonic. How did it get so fast? It must have been Sonic tampering with. Oh glorious day, Robotnik thought, now I will be able to beat Sonic to anywhere he goes. Robotnik reached Knothole in record time. Then he ran to see if the Freedom Fighters were stilled chained up. They still were.  
  
"Now let us get back to the beatings. I shall now-"  
  
"Please, no more beatings. I beg you." interrupted a whining Tails.   
  
Robotnik laughed. "Yes, more beatings, I love beatings. Now that you brought that up I will beat you harder."  
  
"SHUT UP TAILS!!!" the Freedom Fighters screamed. Just then, Sonic burst into the room.  
  
DEATH MATCH  
  
"Alright Robotnik, time to fight. Fists to fists, no weapons. Deal?"  
  
"Hmmmm. I guess I could follow these rules, but don't count on it."  
  
"You had bet-" At that instant Robotnik gave Sonic a hard punch in the jaw. Sonic, stunned by the blow, fell backwards and landed on the eating table with a thud. Sonic managed to get to his feet, but yet another blow awaited him. Sonic was being hit very hard. Every time he stood up another punch came. Finally, when Robotnik punched Sonic into a chair, Sonic picked up the chair and slapped Robotnik. The chair broke. Robotnik picked up what used to be the leg of the chair. He hit Sonic as hard as he could.  
  
"Sonic you have cheated, you said no weapons. So that means the deal is off, and I can now use weapons. But just because I'm nice, I won't." Robotnik seemed to be beating a rag doll; Sonic would barely even get a punch off.  
  
Robotnik looked at his watch. "Oh, how time flies when you're having fun. Bye-bye Sonic. I will 'hit the road' as they say... and have a nice day." Robotnik took the Freedom Fighters and left.  
  
Sonic was still dazed from the fight. He stood up and started to walk around the room. What will I do? Do I have to fight Robotnik again?  
  
"I have an idea, I will collect all of the Chaos Emeralds, then fight Robotnik. Robotnik won't have a chance against Super Sonic." Sonic planned how he would approach the matter -- he would have to track down Robotnik, but first he needed to find the emeralds. That would be easy, because he knew where they where. Then he had to track Robotnik, using the energy from the Chaos Emeralds to become Super Sonic. Then beating Robotnik would be a real flash.  
  
Robotnik and the Freedom Fighters were traveling far from Knothole.  
  
Tails said,"Hey, Dr. R I was-"  
  
"I prefer 'Dr. Robotnik,' you filthy little ball of lint. When was the last time you took a shower? You all smell like crap." Tails started crying at the remark. "Shut up Tails, you little whiner."  
  
"Sonic will come for us, you just wait and see Robotnik," said Tails.  
  
"Even if he does he is no match for ME. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!"  
  
HOTEL ROOM  
  
Sonic had thought about his plan. It seemed to work, unless Robotnik had something Sonic had not known about. In a couple of hours, Sonic had found all of the Chaos Emeralds. "If Robotnik is supposed to go faster than me how will I be able to catch up with him?"   
  
"Well," Sonic said to himself, "I'm just going to have to run all night and all day."  
  
Out in the middle of the desert, Robotnik was near a hotel/casino (he was about 10 miles off). When he reached the hotel, Robotnik checked into a hotel room.  
  
"You guys get to stay in here tied up to the bed post while I play some craps, poker, slots, etc. etc. etc. Well, you have fun, and remember Sprint Nickel Nights. Although I don't know how you will use the phone when you're all tied up with tape over your mouths. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!" Robotnik went down to the casino and gambled for a good five hours. When he came back up to the room he was very happy.  
  
"Joyous day!! Oh glorious day!! Guess what? I just won 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 bucks at the same slot machine!! NOW GET TO SLEEP YOU DIRTY FUZZ BALLS!!!   
  
"But-" Tails was whining.  
  
"NOW DAMN IT!!"  
  
Sonic was running as fast as he could. He was almost to a rest point, 10 miles from a casino. He was carrying a bag that contained the following items: 48 cans of Pepsi, lighter fluid, gasoline in 2 Gatorade squeezy bottles, a box of "strike anywhere" matches, twenty-five sandwiches of all sorts, and the most special thing of all... the Chaos Emeralds. Sonic reached the casino, went inside, and started playing some poker. After a good two hours, Sonic stopped gambling (his bag now equipped with the winnings) and bought a room.  
  
"Do you have a 'Dr. Robotnik' checked in here?" Sonic asked the hotel clerk.  
  
"Why yes, we do."  
  
"What is his room number?"  
  
"555679201432156728, top floor."  
  
"May I have a key?"  
  
"What's in it for me?" Sonic slipped him a fifty. "In that case... yes, of course. Here you go."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
Sonic took the elevator up to the top floor -- Robotnik's room took up the entire floor. Sonic sneaked in, took out his Gatorade bottles of gasoline and started poring it everywhere. Robotnik woke up with a splash of gasoline in his face.  
  
"Sorry, had gas!!" said Sonic.  
  
"How in the hell did you get into my room?!"  
  
"Hmmmmmm... when the clerk gives you the key it ain't too hard." Sonic pulled out his matches. "Guess what? These are 'strike anywhere' matches."  
  
"Asshole, drop the matches, NOW!!!!!"  
  
Sonic lit a match on Robotnik's foot, and through it at the bottles of gasoline. Sonic dove out the window, Robotnik closely following. Sonic didn't notice. He started running until he hit the ocean.  
  
SUPER SONIC  
  
Robotnik sneaked onto his private yacht and started the engine. He zoomed out of the port and far across the ocean. Sonic was standing on the beach and pulled out the chaos emeralds.  
  
"Time to fight, Dr Robotnik." Sonic turned into Super Sonic and began to chase after Robotnik. Sonic jumped onto the yacht and began to fight. After a few minutes of fighting, the emeralds wore off. Sonic had forgotten to bring extra rings.  
  
"You're out of rings, and you know what that means... YOU'RE SHIT OUT OF LUCK." Robotnik threw Sonic into the ocean and drove away.  
  
Sonic swam back to shore, drenched in water. "I wonder if the freedom fighters are alright." Sonic slowly trudged back to the hotel. He took the elevator to the top and into the burnt hotel room. He looked around, not finding anyone, and realized that they were dead.   
  
"Sometimes they were little assholes, but not all that bad." Sonic thought aloud.  
  
Robotnik was cruising down the vast plain of water, hoping to hit some exotic islands. "Well," Robotnik thought, "I might as well check in on my prisoners."  
  
"How are you doing my friends?" asked a smiling Robotnik.  
  
"Crappy, you asshole." The Freedom Fighters replied in unison from the back of the yacht.  
  
"I can't take this shit no more! I'm going to dump all of yous overboard. Who's first?"  
  
"TAILS," yelled a screaming Sally.  
  
"Actually, now that you said that, you will go first. Now I will give you a choice: Choice One, I will follow you to the back of the boat and watch you jump off and get chopped up by the propeller, or -- Choice Two -- I pick you up and do it myself. Your choice of course, your choice. One or Two?"  
  
Robotnik started to hum the Jeopardy final-quiz music. "Time's up, what's the choice?"  
  
"I would choose Two," said a laughing Tails.  
  
"I would shut up if I were you, because YOU'RE NEXT!!!" yelled Robotnik.  
  
Sally picked Choice One and jumped off the ship, followed by the rest of the Freedom Fighters.  
  
"Now that I am rid of them, I can get to those exotic islands in peace."  
  
THE ISLANDS  
  
Sonic was now on the lookout for the Freedom Fighters, even though he knew it was useless. Although one spot in particular there were strange bubbles in the water... so he put on his scuba gear and dove down to see what it was. And sure enough, he found the Sally and Tails. He brought them up the surface; some of the Freedom Fighters were not found, but for the most part they were all there.  
  
"You guys okay?" Sonic asked.  
  
"Yes, and thanks Sonic." Sally and Tails replied.  
  
"Do you know where Robotnik is going?"  
  
"Yes and no," said Sally.  
  
"What the hell is 'yes and no?'"  
  
"Well, I know the location, but not the exact place."  
  
"Well, goddamn it, TELL ME!!"  
  
"He is going to the exotic islands."  
  
"Well I'll be damned, that is where I am going."  
  
Robotnik was gambling in the nearest casino.  
  
"These islands are nice for gambling, swimming, and other great things." Robotnik left the casino and back to his hotel, where he counted the winnings.  
  
"My, my what a bundle I have made in just two-and-a-half hours. Tomorrow I will go back," Robotnik said just before he went to sleep.  
  
The next day Sonic was on the island. He already checked in, and Tails and Sally were in the room while he went for a gamble.  
  
In the hotel room, Tails was whining about going swimming.  
  
"I want to go swimming," Tails screamed.  
  
"No," was all Sally said.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Shut the hell up!"  
  
"No, I want to go swimming."  
  
"Tough shit."  
  
"Please."  
  
"Alright, get ready to go," Sally said just to shut Tails up.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
In the swimming pool Tails was swimming and making awfully strange noises.  
  
"Tails, be quiet."  
  
"No."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Hell no."  
  
"Hell yes."  
  
"Fuck no."  
  
"Tails watch your language, or I will spank you."  
  
Just then Sonic ran into the pool room.  
  
"Why aren't you guys in the hotel room?" Sonic asked.  
  
"Tails wanted to come down for a little swim; he was being an asshole about it. Have you found Robotnik?"  
  
"Yeah, but I think he saw me in the casino. Hopefully not, but I did make a few bucks."  
  
"How much?"  
  
"560,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 bucks, and 99 cents."  
  
"A few bucks, huh?" Sally said.  
  
"Can I have some?" Tails foolishly asked.  
  
"You asshole, I'm not a dipshit."  
  
"Come swim with me Sonic," Tails demanded.  
  
"Sorry, not today."  
  
"You suck Sonic."  
  
"Shut up Tails!" Sally screamed.  
  
"Well I'm going to find out all I can about Robotnik. And try not to kill Tails while I'm gone," Sonic added.  
  
"I'll try."  
  
Sonic came from the pool over to the front desk.  
  
"Hey, do you have a man by the name of Dr. Ivo Robotnik checked in?"  
  
"Why should I tell you?" questioned the clerk.  
  
"Well he's my uncle and I think he said he would be staying here. Can you please help me?"  
  
"One moment please." Sonic heard some ruffling and heavy cursing, but finally the clerk appeared. "It took me a while, but I managed to find it, even though I think he is in the casino. Do you want the room number anyway?"  
  
"Give it to me."  
  
"Alright, the number is 12345."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
THE CRAZY CASINO  
  
Dr. Robotnik was sitting at the bar watching the winos drink. Then he turned to the bartender.  
  
"Hey buddy, can I have a D. P.?"  
  
"What the fuck is a D.P.?"  
  
"A D.P. is a Dr. Pepper, asshole."  
  
"We don't serve that shit here."  
  
"Shit huh?" Robotnik pulled out a 9mm, and in the background a wino laughed. "What the hell is so funny?"  
  
"HA HA HA HA HA. You got a GUN... HA HA HA HA!!" Robotnik shot the wino.  
  
"You think THAT'S funny?!" To the bartender: "Can I get my damn Dr. Pepper now?"  
  
"Coming up."  
  
Tails was still swimming hours later. "Come out of there, or you will look like a prune when you come out," Sally said.  
  
"I not coming out, you BITCH!"  
  
"Damn it Tails, if you want to come out of that pool in one piece I suggest you shut the hell up!"  
  
"Screw you!"  
  
"You motherfucker Tails, now you've pissed me off. You goin' to die, ass wipe."  
  
"Oh shit!"  
  
Sally angrily ripped off her jacket and dove into the pool after Tails. When she caught up with him she started to strangle him to death. Sonic then burst into the room and dove in to break up the fight.  
  
"What the hell were you thinking, Sally!?"  
  
"This two-tailed asshole called me a bitch." Tails started to cry at the remark. "Shut up, you sniveling bastard!"  
  
"I did not," Tails whimpered, still crying.  
  
"Well, I wasn't there so I couldn't judge it. But I do think we all need some rest."  
  
Up in the room Sonic flipped on the TV and started to watch the news.  
"... and someone was killed in the Ritzy Casino bar this afternoon. Jimmy Johnson -- a wino -- was killed by a man while still engulfing his 10,000th bottle of wine. Here to talk to us about the incident is the bartender. Sir?"  
  
"Well I's was doing what I normally do. Then this fat man comes up to me. He asks for a D. P. I says what the fuck... can I say that on TV?"  
  
"Well, we have to bleep it out."  
  
"I says what the heck is that. And he says 'it's a Dr. Pepper ass...butthole,' and I says 'we don't serve that shi...crud here.' Then he pulls out a 9mm and shoots the extremely drunk wino. Then I served him a Dr. Pepper."  
  
"Thanks. For CNN I'm Rick Notch. Back to you, Tim."  
  
"Hey Sally, did you hear that?" Sonic asked.  
  
"What do you think I am, deaf and stupid?"  
  
"Yeah," Tails replied dumbly.  
  
"Who asked you, Shit-For-Brains?" Sonic asked nastily.  
  
The next morning Sonic went to the casino, which left Tails and Sally alone.  
  
"Can I go to the pool?" Tails asked for the 100th time.  
  
"Tails, I said we would go swimming after lunch."  
  
"When is lunch?"  
  
"At 12:00 noon. That's in 30 minutes. Can you wait that long?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
Down at the casino, Sonic was in the bar looking around.  
  
"So, what'll ya have?" asked the bartender.  
  
"Dunno. What'cha got?"  
  
"Alcoholic drinks."  
  
"Nothin'."  
  
"What do you mean 'nothin'?'"  
  
"Nothin' as in 'nothin', not a thing.'"  
  
"Then get out o' here!"  
  
"Make me too mad and I'll open a can."  
  
"What can, your ass?"  
  
"Nope, a can of Whup-Ass."  
  
"Jerk," snickered the bartender.  
  
"Alright I'm goin' to open a can," Sonic said as he kicked the bartender in the anus. Then Sonic just left the bar to go play craps. After a few wins, Sonic went back to his room.  
  
Robotnik was in the bar once again, staring at all the boozers and winos. "Hey bartender," Robotnik shouted above the noise.  
  
"Yeah... oh shit, YOU!!"  
  
"Yeah, me. Get me a Dr. Pepper."  
  
"You shot my best customer yesterday."  
  
"Really? Now shut up."  
  
"No man, he was my bes..." He didn't finish because he was killed by Robotnik (who 'shot and ran' as they say).  
  
THE POOL  
  
Tails and Sally were in the pool swimming when Robotnik came in wearing swim trunks. Robotnik slipped into the pool; water spilled over the edge. "Always put too much water in these things. What have we here? Hello Sally and Tails. Why, I thought you was dead."  
  
"Yeah, well Sonic..." Tails began to say but Sally covered his mouth.  
  
"Actually," Sally said, "We swam to shore and stayed here."  
  
"Well, you comin' with ME," Robotnik said as he scooped them up and took them away.  
  
Sonic came out of the shower, turned on the TV and watched the news.  
  
"Well, that evil villain struck again, killing the bartender. Here to speak with us is a local wino. Sir?"  
  
"Well ya know and stuff that... HA HA HA HA ... some guy wazz founded ded. Hez wazz servan me (hiccup) drinksss... HA HA HA HA... well ya knowz."  
  
"Thanks to you, we learned absolutely nothing from this interview. Well, for CNN I'm Tim Smidgen. Back to ya, Dick."  
  
Well, Sonic knew absolutely nothing about the killing with the exception of the death. He rushed down to the pool to tell Sally about this partly-known news. Sonic burst into the pool area, but Tails and Sally were nowhere to be found.  
  
"Well, if they ain't at the pool, Robotnik has them. Now what was that number again? I think it is 54321." Sonic went on the elevator to the 40th floor, and knocked on the door of Suite 54321.  
  
"What ya want?"  
  
"Alright Robotnik, hand 'em over."  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?"  
  
"Don't play dumb with me, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Wait a tick... isn't Robotnik's room number 12345?"  
  
"How the hell should I know?"  
  
"Sorry, wrong number." Sonic went 20 floors down to Suite 12345. "Alright Robotnik hand 'em over."  
  
"Hmmmmm... how about NO."  
  
"Come on, give me a break."  
  
"Hmmmmm... how about NO."  
  
"Alright if you don't hand 'em over, I'll have to take them by force. The hard way."  
  
"Sonic, everything is hard for you."  
  
"It's not funny."  
  
"Hey, the truth hurts, more so when it comes to you."  
  
"That does it, you gonna die."  
  
"Hmmmmm... how about NO."  
  
"Stop sayin' that."  
  
"Hmmmmm... how about NO."  
  
"Hmmmmm... how about YES."  
  
"Back to the point. Well Sonic, how much?"  
  
"How much for what?"  
  
"Pillows. What the hell do you think I'm talking about?"  
  
"Oh... well... how about 25 cents?"  
  
"Hmmmmm... how about NO."  
  
"Come on, what do you think I'm getting, a bar of gold?"  
  
"Naw, more like 2 bars of gold."  
  
"Bullshit."  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Can I come in, so we could discuss this like gentlemen?"  
  
"Sure." Robotnik opened the door wide and offered Sonic a chair.  
  
"Well Robotnik, you know they ain't worth more than 25 cents, don't you? I mean, look at them: Tails cries and complains a lot, and Sally just tells him to shut up. Come on, give them to me for at least 90% off."  
  
"Hmmmmm... how about NO."  
  
"We have to work out a deal of some kind or the story will never end."  
  
"Alright, here's the master plan: you can pick them up at my place tomorrow... although you have to make it through my house, then fight me in a battle to the death. Or at least close to it."  
  
"Where we gonna be fightin'?"  
  
"Over a pit of lava, on a very small and breakable bridge."  
  
"Sounds like fun, but I have one question."  
  
"Which is?"  
  
"Well, where is your house?"  
  
"Well...you have to find it."  
  
"WELL, where the hell do I start? Come on, at least the street."  
  
"Well, it's on a hill on 12345th street."  
  
THE HOUSE ON 12345th STREET  
  
Inside the house Tails and Sally were arguing about the chores that had to be done around Robotnik's house.  
  
"I always vacuum, Tails. It's your turn."  
  
"No, I want to dust and make Robotnik's dinner." Robotnik burst into the room.  
  
"Now what are we arguing about?"  
  
"Well, Tails refuses to vacuum."  
  
"We'll see about that. Tails?"  
  
"Yes, Robotnik?"  
  
"Why don't you meet me in my office in about 5 minutes?" In Robotnik's office, Tails was explaining why he didn't want to vacuum.  
  
"Well, Sally always does it, and I don't know how to do it."  
  
"If you let Sally teach you, you would know how to vacuum."  
  
"Well, I want to cook you dinner."  
  
"I don't want you, your hands, or any other body parts of yours on or in the food I eat. Let Sally do it."  
  
"No!"  
  
"Alright Tails, pull that rug away from my desk. Stand where it was... good. Do you have any last requests?"  
  
"Not that I know of."   
  
"Then good-bye Tails. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA." Robotnik gladly pulled the lever. Tails fell down the hole and landed in a sewer that was running below Robotnik's house.  
  
"Sally, come replace my rug."  
  
Sonic was nearing the house. He knocked on the front door. The door slid open.  
  
"Oh man, that scared the crap out of me." Sonic entered the house, but he noticed that on the first wall of the house it had a sign which read:  
  
"This house be cursed, watch your step, or you'll have a fall. This house is my house, only mine. If you intend to visit me, you have to cross the deadliest of households. You see, there is no easy way to see the Evil Master Dr. Robotnik. HA HA HA. See you in hell. HA HA HA. This message will not self-destruct, it will be here for years and years to come."  
-- Dr. Robotnik  
  
Sonic turned down the first hallway he saw, and then noticed it was not only dangerous to see Robotnik, but impossible. He was wrong about what he had thought; it was not booby-trapped, but a giant maze of hallways and corridors.  
  
Back in Robotnik's Kitchen, Sally was cooking Robotnik's dinner.  
  
"Is my dinner ready yet?"  
  
"Almost."  
  
"Almost. What the hell does that mean? It could mean for a dinner that takes 10 hours to cook we would have maybe an hour left. Give me specifics, 'cause I'm hungry."  
  
"In about 10 minutes."  
  
"Set the table."  
  
"What do you want me to do, set the table or cook dinner?"  
  
"Fine, I'll set the table."  
  
"What are we having to drink?"  
  
"I don't know what 'we' are having, but I know what I'm having. I'm goin' to have me a Dr. Pepper. You can have what you like... wait a minute. Who says you're going to have dinner, anyway?"  
  
"Well, you have to feed me."  
  
"I do?"  
  
"Of course, I cleaned your house."  
  
"Well, I guess you can eat. So you can pick out a drink of choice. What'll it be?"  
  
"I'll have a Dr. Pepper."  
  
"Bullshit, there be one person who drinks the sacred Dr. Pepper. ME!!"  
  
"How 'bout a 7up?"  
  
"Sorry, no 7up."  
  
"A Pepsi?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Mr. Pibb?"  
  
"Hell no, don't carry the Fake Stuff."  
  
"Beer?"  
  
"Zip."  
  
"Sprite?"  
  
"None."  
  
"Water?"  
  
"If you want to sit on the toilet all night, sure."  
  
"Root Beer?"  
  
"Shit out of luck."  
  
"Slice?"  
  
"I can manage. Let's sit down for dinner, shall we?"  
  
Sonic managed to find the right passages, and they took him to the very small and breakable bridge. On the wall there was a door bell that said:  
  
"Ring if you want to see me, but if you don't, leave."  
  
"Well, I'll trust my luck." Sonic pressed the door bell.  
  
"Damn it, always when I'm eating, hold on!" shouted Robotnik. "Oh, my, if it isn't my friend Sonic."  
  
"Hi."  
  
"Well, I didn't say this fight would be fair. This time I will win. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!! Sure is a funky old house, ain't it? This is my house you know, and it is equipped with many a deadly weapon. You will die!!!!!!!! I could break this bridge with one touch of a button, then you will be DEAD. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA."  
  
"Hey, could you tell me where that button is?"  
  
"Well, it's right... wait a damn minute, why should I tell you? You would kill me. I'm not that stupid, they don't call me an evil genius for nothing. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Now time to fight. Wait -- got to get equipped with weapons."  
  
Robotnik pushed the button and the bridge collapsed and Sonic fell. Robotnik ran in before he could see Sonic fall to the bottom.  
  
"Well, I forgot to turn on the lava pit. Crap. I hope he dies from the fall."  
  
On the bottom of the pit, Sonic slowly got to his feet. "I'm going to get that fat bastard and kill him." Sonic thought of a way to get to the top, and then noticed that, past the lava pit, a dried-up lavafall would bring him somewhere. Sonic fell down the "lavafall" (or lack, thereof) and landed in water that took him to Robotnik's famous Dead Garden outside. Sonic looked up, and Robotnik's house must have been at least 4 to 5 stories tall. He ran inside to Robotnik's elevator. He pushed the "3" button and the elevator moved to the 3rd floor.  
  
Robotnik was still eating dinner with Sally, who was drinking her Slice.  
  
"Well, how did you like it Robotnik, was it good and hot?"  
  
"We ain't done nothin' yet... oh, you mean dinner! It was great."  
  
Sonic went to the 3rd floor, which was where Robotnik was, and rang the bell.  
  
"Always before I get things started," shouted an extremely mad Robotnik. He opened the door and Sonic rushed in.  
  
"How did I know you didn't die?! Time to die, Hedgehog. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!"  
  
"Alright, no more games. FIGHT!!!"  
  
THE DUEL  
  
Sonic and Robotnik stood in the middle of the room, and each pulled out guns.  
  
"Well, well, Sonic, we'll have to go back to the old Western ways. Ya know: 3 paces back, then draw.  
  
"Screw the old Western ways, it's who shoots first." Sonic lifted his gun and shot a bullet at Robotnik; it hit him in the gut. A few seconds after, the wound healed itself.  
  
"Oh, crap, he's invincible." Sonic gave him a hard kick in the knee, Robotnik fell but got up quickly to return the favor.  
  
"Not so fun when you get kicked, huh?" Robotnik gave a hard punch in Sonic's arm. The blows were traded until finally one fell. Sonic hit the ground hard, not able to get up. "So Sonic, having fun?"  
  
"Up yours!"   
  
Robotnik picked up Sonic and threw him out the window. Sonic landed, luckily, in water.  
  
"Alright, Mad Man, you're finished." Sonic slowly got to his feet and went up to the 3rd floor, again by the elevator. Sonic kicked the door open, and charged up to Robotnik, giving him one of his hardest punches. Robotnik fell down, very slow to get up. The fight again raged on, with no winner, until Sonic kicked Robotnik so hard he fell, not getting up.  
  
Sonic found the self-destruct button and pressed it. "See you in Hell, Robotnik!" Sonic hurriedly jumped over Robotnik and went to Sally. He picked her up and rushed back to his hotel room. On the way, Sonic found Tails floating in a river. He took him to the hotel too.  
  
In the far distance the house exploded.  
  
The disintegrated house was still burning. The remains of the house were scattered everywhere. Just a big pile of rubble and mess. It is foolish to think that Robotnik is dead, because a huge arm burst out of the flaming rubble...  
  
The End...?


End file.
